It's pretty upsetting to the other patients. The evening was downhill from there as the violence with the patient escalated. The more experience staff took over and I was left in charge of all the other patients, some who became verbally aggressive and defiant. I had to yell and shout to assert my dominance, which I have felt just awful about ever since it took place. Some of the patients said they hated me...
By the end of the shift I really couldn't handle (real life- as in protecting teens with severe psychological, destructive tendencies) anymore. I used every ounce of will power to not beg another staff to take over my post and let me leave.
Great way to begin finals week.
Monday: I forced myself to wake up and drive to the State Hospital at 7 am. It was the last thing I wanted to do after the previous night. I put in 5 shadowing hours, thankfully with no incident and then locked my self in the library for the next 3 days.
You can imagine my anxiety was running quite high because if I didn't do well on the final exams the last 2 months would have been a waste. I will admit there were some tears Wednesday night but I resolved there was nothing more I could do. I had to take a comprehensive Statistics exam Thursday morning and had to get a 70 to keep my current grade. I had little room for margin of error.
Thursday. I really like learning, but I hate exams. Once I got so angry and frustrated during a test I wanted to burn the testing center down. I don't have pyromania disorder, I just really don't like tests. But in the 80 question Stats exam things were going pretty smoothly. I was filling out answers fairly confidently.
When I take exams I make a list of questions I don't know, questions I might miss, and ones that I think I got right, but there is a small chance they are wrong. I always take the test twice to ensure everything is correct and double check all my answers. I started fatiguing at the 2.5 hour mark. I was checking and rechecking, when panic set in that perhaps everything was wrong and I began second guessing every answer. After 3 hours I gave up and turned it in.
And I got an 80%.
And then the whole week did a 180. I indulged in a trip to the pool, Pitch Perfect, and got paid for my protective duties ;) I have to work the next 3 days at the treatment center, but perhaps things have calmed down.
No comments:
Post a Comment