If the Disney’s “The Big Green” was set in 2015

I let "J" watch Disney’s 1995 movie “The Big Green”. I feel bad because it was totally inappropriate for a kid growing up in 2015. Culture has changed A LOT in 20 years and I told "J" to never repeat the behaviors he saw in the movie. 

Disney's The Big Green rated PG

Here is what would happen if the kids in the movie lived in 2015 instead of 1995.

In the beginning of the movie, a group of boys (probably ages 10 to 12) bike around their town of Elma, TX and stop off at the park. 2015 - Boys go to the park by themselves. Adult notices they are unaccompanied by a parent. Police called. CPS investigates each child’s parents. 

At the park, the boys are covering themselves with Cheetos to attract birds because, “There’s nothing to do in Elma, TX”. A concerned teacher sprays them down with a hose. 2015 - Food shaming. How dare you give your children GMO laden Cheetos? Teacher is placed on administrative leave and investigated for abuse, and berated by parents for hosing their kids with water.

At school, Kate has a pocket knife that she flashes repeatedly to the new teacher. 2015 - Kate is arrested and sent to Juvenile Hall. Placed on ADHD, Anxiety, and Anti-Depressant medication. The rest of class is visited by a school counselor, who follows up with those who have traumatic stress from associating with Kate.

The twins say what makes them special is their asthma, and get their inhalers out of their desk. 2015 - Twins have a parent note and doctor’s signature that says they may use their inhalers which are locked up in the nurse’s office. Nurse doesn’t believe they need their inhaler and thinks they are just trying to get out of class when they can’t breathe. (According to “AZ” my sister.)

The boys like to pick on the local Sheriff, so they purposely kick a ball at his windshield. 2015 - Boys kick ball at policeman’s car. Depending on the race of the kid, they will be shot at, or thrown in jail for attacking a policeman. 

The teacher jogs around town in a bare-midriff, red jogging suit, while her students pedal behind her on bikes. The sheriff tries to flirt with the new teacher. 2015 - Teacher makes local news for public indecency after parent complaints, later makes a public apology to school. The teacher reports the sheriff for sexual harassment, who is placed on administrative leave. The story eventually makes national news and feminists blow up twitter with #feministsforchange

While driving the kids to their first game, the sheriff tells the rowdy boys “I will tan your hides.” 2015 - Sheriff is investigated for verbal and mental abuse, with intent to harm  minors. Forced to make an apology to students and their parents. Parent’s sign a petition to have the sheriff removed from the department.

The newly formed soccer team does not have any cleats or shin guards, but play anyways. 

2015 - The is team barred from playing due to the liability of bruised shins.

The team practices soccer in thunder and rain. 2015 - Practice is cancelled at the first sound of thunder. Practice does not resume until several days later after the have fields have dried.

Larry has hallucinations that the the other players are knights, ninjas and zombies. 2015 - Larry is taken to a psychologist and treated for schizophrenia and bi polar disorders. He also receives an IEP at school.

AND THE ABSOLUTE BIGGEST THING (which didn't even happen in 1995, because I played soccer…) Was that they kept score in the games. Everyone knows you don’t keep score in soccer. Everyone is a winner. Especially in 2015. Even the losers and the kids who don’t show up get trophies.

Now let's all be good parents and responsible adults and go write scathing reviews of Netflix for listing The Big Green in the children's section. #removebiggreen