Year In Review 2023: The Year of Three Proposals

During one of my Medieval Christmas Documentaries I found out in medieval times they celebrated New Year's on March 25th, The Feast of the Annunciation. 

Personally I like to do my Year in Reviews somewhat close to New Years, Twelfth Night by the latest. But I guess I have till March if I really wanted. I have been really excited to write my Year in Review because it was going to be so funny, and I actually had a really good year. Promptly followed by the most abysmal Tudor Christmas ever. 

I hardly drink soda, especially Dr. Pepper. I once got a horrendous cold in 2018 after drinking a can during a Winter Olympics Party... But 'girl math' says you can drink a whole bottle of soda if you do it in 4 oz increments all day until the bottle is finished off. I salvaged Tudor Christmas after getting pepped up on Dr. Pepper. I made Aubrielle and her boyfriend watch the Cursed Child Wand Dance Choreography video and learn it with me in the living room. 

"We don't even have wands." Aubrielle said.

"Standby. I know where they are." I said.

Wand Dance in the living room.

It made me really happy. Then, no one would let me post it to Instagram, even though its one of my singular dreams to make a bunch of people learn it, wear robes and put it online. It would be amazing. We would start a new viral trend like the Wednesday Dance. LOL

THE YEAR:

A few years ago I made a vision board and I put time stamps on things because I was trying really hard to manifest. I missed the mark by 2 years, but thankfully I marked off one of the time dated photos. "Fly a Jet to Tampa." 

Why Tampa you ask? Well I am absolutely forbidden to talk about the specifics (which included an unmanned rocket) but in December 2020 I was in Tampa and was SO ANGRY, I vowed I would fly a jet into Tampa by the following year. Granted it took two. But we flew over the bay at sunrise and I did it. I flew a jet to Tampa.

View from the hotel in Tampa.

The winter months continued and I felt so smug, a little stressed because I found myself homeless on reserve again, but amusingly smug. 

On my flight to Fort Lauderdale I was seated next to one of the handsomest men I had ever sat next to in my life. He was heading down for a month of reserve as well.  Nick and I spent the whole month of February going the beach, nature walks, fancy resturants and boba. I felt smug because I'd been told I wasn't "wife material" because I would be gone all time. But they paid me my full salary to sit on a beach with a hot guy. And in the end, I only flew 9 hours the whole month. It was delightfully laughable and pleasant. 

A hard day on reserve in Fort Lauderdale.

Nick left for Las Vegas and I returned to Atlanta.

Returning to Atlanta was the first time when I finally could take some cautious recovery breaths. I felt like I had reached the metaphorical finish line and from here on out everything was just icing on the cake, and a nice little bonus. I did it. It was an exhale of relief, only for the finish line to be suddenly repositioned out of my reach.

I always pictured having a little english cottage, with a decently sized yard backed up against a forest, and moderatley beautiful car (preferably yellow). But even the middle class neighborhood nearby was selling slab houses for 600k and a new build town house from the mid 800's. 

A little cottage like this.

I asked my realtor friend to send me every house within a 15 mile radius under 250,000 (because I remember a few years ago you could buy a starter house for that price nearby) Every day her automated realty program sent me dilapidated and derelict trailers. The only "house" that came through my inbox was "Good Price Hoarder House Selling As Is!!!"

I drove by that hoarder house and my family said, "you could clear it out and live there." I contemplated if I bought that house I would personally burn it to the ground and have a Native American Shaman come bless the land because it was absolutely horrific. 

I didn't risk life and limb (remember the unmanned rocket?) and spend the last 10 years holding up my bootstraps when the soles had literal holes in them, to move to a hoarder house or a ruined trailer.

They don't even build cottages anymore. Just dystopian soviet block apartments and Mega McMansions. I saw a tiktock of a beautiful new build house that sold in Dallas for 1.3 Million and the house was cracking in the foundation and walls. Brand new and falling apart. Does that give you warm fuzzies? 

Im not really placing blame on anyone or a political entity. This is what the masses wanted. And I'm happy for in 100-200 years when the population collapses. Birth rates are so low, that young people will able to own whatever beautiful house they desire for pennies because of the surplus of empty houses.

My friend Sam really wanted to buy a house too, and was facing either a ruff neighboorhod or something bumfuck rural to afford anything. So he proposed in a snapchat and asked if I wanted to get married for the tax benefits. Then we could both share the burden of an 8% interest rate and live in a very normal local middle class neighborhood. I said yes if I could decorate it, but at those rates I'd rather live in a tent. Sam decided to move to the top floor of one of those dystopian high rises. He offered to get a bigger unit so we could split the rent but I declined. 

Sam visiting the house haha

Sam and I had a group chat together and somehow Zach weaseled his way in.

Zach sent me a proposal of his own and escapes me why he did, but it was over snapchat. I did seriously consider it for a moment and said, "Yes, but I have some conditions."

Zach's wedding guest list contained an individual that was a hard boundary "no" for me. Zach's hard boundary was this individual MUST be invited. So we were at a stalemate. Plus, Zach shows me pictures of tall thin women in little short outfits he likes. And I am quite short and curvy and love my long dresses...

Speaking of dresses. I had a major wardrobe update this year. For the first time in my life, I can afford to be who I really am and dress how I am meant to dress. Shopping in the 2000's - 2010's was like a long winded exapserated groan. 

I would absolutely beam when I found something that met the bare minimum of what I what I was looking for. Even if it was awful. I remember begging my mom to buy this brown and creamy yellow eclectic polka dot dress, the ugliest article of clothing I had ever seen... but it had short puff sleeves. It was such an awful pattern and material my mom absolutely would not buy it. I lamented why they couldn't make something with puff sleeves in a normal color. The next Sunday at church, I saw one of the older ladies wearing the same brown dress and in the end I was glad didn't buy it.

My fashion woes came to the absolute low when I was fourteen. Much to my family's annoyance, I would find a piece of clothing and wear it until it fell apart or went so out of fashion I would be forced to relenquish wearing it. ( It's a practice I still do - this season its the white Star Wars vest... sorry guys haha)

The white Star Wars vest of the season.

 

The summer I was 14 it was a Khol's Candies black baby doll dress, with cap sleeves, pink trim and a tie in the back. It went to my knees and was really trendy. Even my mom borrowed it a few times. I wore that dress 5/7 days of the week. 

I wore it one day at the Especially For Youth Church Camp. During an activity, the youth leaders pulled me aside, drove me back to the dorms, and forced me to change. They deemed my outfit innaproprite. I didn't have the moral fiber to stand up for myself and protest. I was shaking and crying as I put on something else. It was humiliating to return to the group in different clothing and have to explain why. A few other girls had been forced to change throughout the week as well so they were sympathetic.

Those youth leaders were absolutely out of line. I was kid and wasn't buying my own clothes. Jesus would have been happy I was just there. I was in no way trying to be slutty or inappropriate, it was actually the complete opposite. I was obsessed with being perfect and following all the religious rules impeccably. The dress met every requirement of the made up church "dressing" standards. And that dress was my most prized possession. 

I was able to find a picture of the dress hahaha.

This year on a Seattle layover, I was wandering around a Nordstrom and found the most beautiful dress by a designer called BATSHEVA. This dress was perfect. I had never seen a dress made in real life such as the one I found, and I now own six of her dresses. They all have very high collars and frilled sleeves, long and elegant. 

Batsheva Dress

I love wearing my long beautiful dresses and skirts to Disneyland too. Honestly I'm not really a Disney adult. A lot of things about Disney bother me. I don't even bother watching the new movies and refuse to wait in lines at the park. And if I could refuse to eat Disney food I would lol. But I like spending time with my cousins and friends on my LAX layovers there. 

Long Dresses at Disney

I went to Disneyland probably twice a month. 

One of the best days I had was with my friend Bethany and Zach, who had a LAX layover too. I told him if he came to Disneyland I would buy his ticket. I don't know how we got so lucky but we waited in no lines that day, practically walked on everything. I got to go to the Cantina for the first time. And it was a really magical Disneyland day. We met my aunt and cousins there too, who always ask me if Zach is still single because they like him so much. 

Zach, Bethany and I at Olga's Cantina

One my most unexpected calls of the year was when Brandon called to express his love and admiration. He proposed that if we were not married by thirty-five WE should get married. I was a little caught off guard to be honest, and thirty-five is so close. But I was flattered none the less. I cautiously re-negotiated that we should do it at forty-five just in case. 

Brandon and I in training.

I feel really bad all the men's hearts I've had to break a long the way in my life - like feel really bad. I don't know how people just meet someone and BAM! They fall in love and get married. Brandon met a beautiful and charming redhead and she has been so thoughtful and treated him so well. We still have our forty-five deal though - I think haha.

If I had to coin a term for the year it would probably be abundance. I have spent the last 10 years painfully lonely and poor, doing the boomer thing and pulling up my bootstraps, taking the provincial beating from a society who wants slaves and not workers. Every day I wake up so cautiously happy and can't believe that my life so good in this moment. And most days I have overwhelming gratitude.

I used to refuse to drive my friends to the airport and I find myself taking many trips back and forth to the airport to pick up friends. I have had more friends stop by in the last 6 months then I have in the last ten years. 

After one of my many trips to the airport.

My friend Margaret said she was inspired by my Tudor Christmas tradition and had decided to take things slower and more spread out this year. I begged my mom to do the same, "Please no fodder this year." It was a pretty low key Christmas with my mom sometimes wrapping up a single pair of socks just for laughs. 

Poppy and I Christmas Morning

I had made solemn promise to myself that I would not let another New Year's Eve birthday go by without doing something special. Every year I hate my birthday because it always feels like the biggest let down. 

I committed to going to Key West, or Universal Studios - I had to set the intention to do something extravagantly fun. I was turning thirty-three which is really important - I'm not really super religious anymore but thirty-three is the "Holy Year" and Hobbits come of age at thirty-three. This is it. Probably the most important birthday.

Poppy had been really sick for a few months and no extravagant birthday trip took place. She started deteriorating after Christmas and I spent my birthday weekend wrapped up on the couch with her. We watched 1998 Mulan because thats what I did for my ninth birthday and Disney's Percy Jackson series (and of course Disney had to ruin it with such cinematically dark lighting - it's painful to watch.) 

It was agonizing watching Poppy suffer. We made the decision the first week of January to let her go. The vet staff were so kind and compassionate. We stayed with Poppy until she was gone.

I had a few weeks to mentally prepare so it wasn't a shock to my system. Extremely sad none the less since I pretty much lived my life around Poppy. My parents left for out of town and Aubrielle and I scrubbed the house from top to bottom and took SUV loads of fodder to Goodwill. Anything we could do to lighten the house. 

So Tudor Christmas did not turn out like I had hoped. But today is the new moon in Capricorn 1/11 so it is also the start of an energetic new year. 

Year In Review 2022

For Alicia - who asked, "Please don't put this in your blog."

Why would I write about that? 

Anyways, I did not.

One of my favorite things about 2022 and it just progressively gets better every passing year, is the lack authenticity and realism. I could never possibly write the whole truth. So, for all of you - you get the watered down unapologetically dull version haha

And unsurprisingly it's much too scandalous to write about the first three weeks of January 2022.

So, we pick up: END of JANUARY

After 2021, which was a hellscape, yearlong nightmarish ordeal...I'm happy to report, I did NOT cry on the way to airport en route to Texas for training (like I did every subsequent time I went to the airport in 2021). I expected everything to be better from that moment forward, and I was excited.

Not only that, my friend Zach offered to pick me up from the airport so I wouldn't have to take the hotel shuttle. We went to dinner, bought some snacks, and he bid me farewell at the doors of the hotel.

I had been to the same hotel nearly - exactly two years prior to visit my friend Josh. This was back when I used to "chase" him around the US for a few kisses and company. The last time I had seen him had been this very hotel. He had eventually gone and married someone else. I checked into my room and mentally calculated the last time I had been kissed... eight months. 

I did feel a pang of loneliness but brushed it off. Everything was supposed to get better.

I suppose my expectations for human decency had been surprising low, because I felt giddy during the first few weeks of training. They let us have a 10-minute break every hour, unlimited hot chocolate - provided free, an hour lunch, and everyone was exceedingly pleasant. I had never been treated so well in my whole life by an organization. 

And I'd met my 2022 Best Friend Cara on Day 1 - though it did take a few weeks to solidify. Throughout training I went and visited her suite nearly every day for a few minutes of gossip and laughing. 

FEBURARY

Training relocated to Colorado the first week of February. With the expectation that everything was supposed to be better this year, I had quietly and intensely resolved to regain my strength and agility. Going against the personality of regular Chloe (who would never be caught in a gym at the early morning hours), I would get up at 6am and force myself to exercise. Sometimes even after training had finished in the evening, I'd race back to the hotel gym. I was a little unhinged but I was determined to emerge a new person at the end of training.

Besides Cara, there was only one other significant person in my life beginning of the year. It was Sam. 

I don't know how we even became friends? Trauma bonding from existing together in 2021 I suppose. But it had morphed into a yearlong Snapchat streak and meme exchange. I felt confident in our friendship (and that he wouldn't report me to HR), that I was able to breach the polite meme exchange, for sending the raunchiest most irreverent memes that came through my algorithm. 

Sam was a few weeks ahead of me in training and we decided to meet for a lunch date. I pictured a relaxed, joke reverberation, humor filled afternoon. Sam treated me to the most sterile, cold, business meeting, where he spoke in near monotone about what to expect in training. I like to remind him periodically that it was the worst date I had even been on and it hadn’t been worth washing my hair for.

Most sterile cold date I've ever been on. <3 Sam

MARCH

It came time to choose partners for the remainder of our training. Everyone in class was given seniority by hire date. Higher seniority meant better time slots and locations for training, and through no fault of my own, I was near the bottom of the class.

I am extremely particular of people and when the announcement was made Friday afternoon, I spent the weekend interviewing potential partners, especially those with higher seniority than me.

My first choice: Alec. He was friendly, held the highest seniority, and had good vibes all around. He turned me down. 

I debriefed all the potential partners I'd interviewed with Cara, because she didn't have a partner either. Vibes were off slightly and I had a hunch she was waiting for me to ask her to partner up... Finally, towards the end of the weekend she finally gave an offhanded suggestion, "We could be partners?" 

It didn't feel great to turn Cara down, because she was my 2022 best friend. But Cara and I seemed too similar. And how was I supposed to be seriously studying when I just liked having fun and chatting with her. Could our friendship weather the most stressful part of training if we spent every moment together and were forced to witness the intimate failures that we were sure to experience? 

Cara was my last resort because BFF > Partner, so I settled on a quiet and unknown guy named Paul. He was only two spots higher than me in seniority and had one stipulation - We had to finish our training in Colorado. (even though training options were available in cities across the US and Europe.)

The morning came to bid, and as I walked into class, Alec pulled me aside and said he'd like to be my partner now, because his fell through, and everyone else was taken. I groaned. I would have much rather been with Alec than Paul, but I had already made the arrangement and felt stupid backing out. 

"I'm sorry, I can't." I replied.

We were instructed to sit in order of seniority, except someone new was sitting in the number one spot now, making Alec number two in the class. We had others join different phases of training periodically and this guy must have just been thrown into the bid, which kind of sucked because he couldn't pick his partner. I just saw the back of his head, and thought his teal plaid shirt was real nice. 

We did a round introductions for the new instructor and unknown guy #1 was Ryan from Birmingham. I loved that. No one is ever from the true South, and I revel in people from my own "country."

Because Ryan was now number one in the class, he selected the time slot and location he wanted for the last phase of training: 4am in Missouri, with only a few days break between training blocks. 

The partner bid continued, and because no one knew Ryan, and everyone was already spoken for, AND who in their right mind would want to train at 4am in Missouri, Ryan's partner slot remained open.

The Colorado spots were going fast and if Paul was adamant we train there, we would face serious delays in training. I was starting to get nervous. I just wanted training to be over, and not going to lie...I hated Colorado and was miserable since it had been snowing for a month now. 

"I can't do it. I can't be your partner." I whispered to Paul. "I can't wait a month just so you can be in Colorado."

"It's like a month long paid vacation." He retorted.

I just shook my head. "I can't."

The bid came to Paul and he picked an evening time slot in Colorado, with thirty days in between training blocks.

Then eventually me, "4am, Missouri..." with Ryan from Birmingham.

APRIL

Ryan was knowledgeable, cool, and collected. I was absolutely relieved he turned out to be a complimentary partner. He held my hand through the systems course, studying every night with Cara and Alec too. 

I tried to be the upmost professional and leave any personal details and matters out of my interactions with Ryan until a few weeks after the bid. During a programming class, he leaned over and whispered, "where did you go to school?"

I smiled and gave my standard reply I give to people when they ask, "I don't like to say because it's not indicative of who I am," and then lowering my voice, "But I went BYU."

Ryan grinned and chuckled, "I went to BYU too - Idaho. It's not who I am anymore either."

I beamed. 

"What major?" He prodded.

Then I sighed... "I used to be really thin," is how I always start the answer, "I was a dance major, but I don't like telling people that either."

Ryan was grinning ear to ear now. "I was on the modern dance team at BYU Idaho." He whipped out his phone to show me a quintessential modern dance photo shoot series.

"Did you serve a mission?" I asked.

"Yes, Italy. I speak Italian." He replied. (Margaret would like that.)

"So, when is our wedding?" I asked smiling. (Of course, I suddenly had crush on Ryan, and ran to Cara's suite to tell her the news. Ryan would wait another week to tell me he already had a girlfriend.)

Ryan and I - the quintessential modern dance photos

Ryan and I finished our training in Colorado and met up a few days later in Missouri for the most important part of our training. And we rocked Days 1 - 5.

Day 6... and we started to absolutely falter. I couldn't even force myself to exercise anymore. It was like my body and brain had absolutely given up. I suppose I had been running on pure adrenaline since January. But April was the last time I went to gym. 

Ryan and I at 4am

I don't know how we made it through, but Ryan and I both passed training relatively unscathed. We bid each other farewell, and went home for a few weeks of much needed rest before the practical part of training began.

MAY

The first three weeks of May I never slept in the same bed twice and was exhausted. 

I began by traveling from Atlanta to Salt Lake City. I checked into the company provided hotel, and not going to lie I was a little nervous for my first day. I tossed and turned all night. I dressed the next morning, opting for the long-sleeved version of the uniform, (because it seemed more regal) and immediately had eyeliner explode all over it. Of course.

I arrived at the gate and boarded. It was finally coming together, and it was going to be better from this moment on. My first leg ever: Salt Lake City to Palm Springs. 

We finished the night in Kalispell, Montana. I was so tired from not sleeping the night before, sitting in the airport for hours in between flights, and horrible jet lag. But the flight attendants and captain were excited about hiking the next morning. I could have slept all day, but didn't want to miss the opportunity to see somewhere new.

Kalispell, MT

Two weeks later, I was signed off from the practical part of training and started my new life: 'homeless' and carless in Salt Lake City. (I tried to get a crash pad but was ultimately scammed. I got my money back but was wary and suspicious of crash pads going forward.)

I had a few days off after training, not enough time to go home to Georgia, but called Rachel and asked if I could sleep on her couch for a few days to recover in exchange for some work at their business. So, I jetted off to California, straight from the airport to slinging burgers.

Me trying to rest and get nutrition in CA.

JUNE

So that became my life - spend five or six days wasting away in Salt Lake hoping for an assignment (sometimes with relatives and sometimes hotels), then three days in California, passed out on my aunt’s couch, helping with their day to day activities. 

I would sit and day dream about sleeping in a beautiful room, with a comfortable bed, and having a kitchen to make my favorite foods whenever I wanted. I was very frustrated at the whole situation. I liked my job (when there were trips), but my quality of life was not great. There was the option of starting a life in Salt Lake, surrendering, but everything was wildly expensive, I just don't like Utah, and the thought of being there permanently made me uneasy.

I was searching the whole country for a used car and the prices were astronomical (knowing that a car would ease my stress just a little). Finding a room? I had rented rooms in Salt Lake before and never paid more than 300$. Those same rooms went now for 600 or 700$...Because there is no war in Ba Sing Se.

I continued to live as a vagabond of sorts. But on the days I did have work it was great. Especially the long layovers. I really liked the Montana overnights, especially Missoula. The hotel was brand new and clean - the city safe and the air fresh.

JULY

I began checking in and out of the Renaissance Hotel in downtown Salt Lake, but it was tricky. I would arrive from California, take the train to city center, check in for one night, then check out at the last possible moment, have the hotel hold my luggage and wander around the city for 8 or 9 hours (hoping for an assignment.) And if I didn't get called, I'd check back into the hotel and start the process over. 

It was horribly hot, so I spent most of my time at the City Creek Mall, or the movie theater at the Gateway. I'd rent scooters and go to fancy coffee houses, anything to fill the time. 

The loneliness would get to me too, so I called up my friend Joshua from college and we would hike, and go to brunch a lot. One of the highlights was my friend Zach passing though. We rode scooters and got smoothies, and teased our friends (Sam) in the group chat. 

The flying was sporadic, but always came with a relief that I wouldn't have to worry about a car or transportation. Sometimes we stayed in the absolute most fancy hotels, my favorite being The Graduate, a boutique hotel chain. We stayed at The Graduate Nashville, which was pink and Dolly Parton themed. My family met me there, and we went and saw Top Gun.

Top Gun overnight

My housing situation started to deteriorate towards the end of July, where it was two parts gratitude and two parts absolute misery. And quite funny and a good story. I can't write it down. It was bad. Shocking. And wow I can't believe I lived as I did for a few weeks. 

It was rough enough (and I was very grateful) for me to try and attempt getting a crash pad again. 

AUGUST

We came to an absolute low point when I lost the key to the apartment my cousin had offered to let me use. It was a far distance from the airport. It made me nervous to be so far, especially since I could get called at 3am and usually had no car and probably no ubers that early.

I did have a rental car the day I lost the key though, so I checked in to a horribly expensive Hampton Inn. Didn't sleep at all that night. Thank goodness got into the apartment the next morning. Packed up my few belongings. Drove to the airport. And slept all day in the crew room. 

First - I had to get a crash pad. Second - I had to get out of Salt Lake - so I put in for a base transfer.

I found a non-scam crash pad, and would be transferred to San Diego in October. Relief.

The flying was always good. I always got lucky with decent weather. I liked making friends with the flight attendants and running into my friends at different airports. Never in my life had I been treated so well, little Chloe wanted to grow up and be royalty. This job was probably the closest I'd ever get to "Queen." 

Friends in the airport

My dad purchased a car in Salt Lake City, and let me drive it for a few weeks. I cannot express how life changing and amazing having a car and somewhere to sleep consistently is for a person. The crash pad was working out nicely too. Granted it was like summer camp, bunk beds and four of us to a room. Though, no one batted an eye when I slept through the afternoon on a weekday. 

There was a lot of drama around the industry during the summer, as other companies had started paying their employees astronomical amounts of money of due to shortages. Think 100% raises...money like that. The place Cara and I worked had yet to implement changes or raises. And Cara had seen her own 'horrors' in a crash pad up in Washington, sharing a room with 6 men and no air conditioning, that we decided to both interview for another company.

When the toilet got clogged at Cara's crash pad.

Cara and I both received offers. Cara was assigned to start September and I was assigned October. I resigned to the universe that if we were meant to train together again I would be moved into her class. 

I finished my tenure in Salt Lake City. And returned home mid-September.

SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER

I was not enthused about going into training again, especially since the last one wiped me out completely. But rumor was this new company boasted the best quality of life throughout the industry and Cara I were ready. As luck would have it, they offered me the option of joining Cara's class, and a week later we were both en route to Florida.

I made a pathetic attempt to restart my unhinged exercise regime but lasted all of two days before I just didn't have anything to give towards it. 

We didn't get to pick partners this time either, it was randomly assigned. Even though round two I would have definitely gone with Cara, but we tried to play it cool that we weren't as close friends as we were. There were quite a few other women and we tried to make new alliances with them. 

Making new alliances :)

My partner liked walking home from the training center and even though it was quite far, I walked with him to supplement my lack of exercise.

And then we fell into the same routine of studying until my head hurt, 4am training sessions, and barely holding on to all the information thrust upon us. 

Even though I don't like the stress of training, it was pleasant to make new friends, and I felt much better training in Florida in fall, rather than Colorado in the winter. My mood and overall health felt better as I could study on a patio in the sunshine everyday rather, than be locked away for 3 months in snowy darkness.

We finished training and then had two weeks to convalesce before the practical start of training. 

DECEMBER

Cara and I both finished the practical part of training before Christmas. Cara got the short end of the deal and had to commute to our assigned base in Nevada, but I checked the trip boards once an hour and was able to drop all my trips in Nevada, and picked up an easy one from Georgia. I had no idea that was even possible, but I was absolutely delighted.

I decided to start taking water aerobics with the old ladies at the YMCA and slowly began integrating Pilates, (unhinged treadmill weightlifting Chloe is gone) haha. I feel frustrated that the past two years stretched me so thin as a human being, but I'm coming around.

Christmas passed without incident and my birthday was rather lackluster. I didn't even feel sad about it which I usually do, since I've never gotten a NYE kiss (twenty months since my last kiss). I just felt resigned and 'surrendered' and went to bed at 10pm.

Next year should* be better though.

My feelings about 2022.

YEAR IN REVIW 2021

I know I said I wasn't going to do a year in review, but I think I might have burned all my dopamine on TikTok the past few weeks. After the Harry Potter 20th Anniversary Special, I felt I needed a new book like Harry Potter to change my life, but I couldn't settle into one. Absolute blandness from every word on the page (and I got my book recommendations from TikTok so you know it's legit.) Instead, I decided to put on my Planet Naboo ASMR City Night Star Wars Ambience Relax and Study Background Music and decided to start working on my Year of Review 2021.

Reflecting on past Year in Reviews, I know I love to make fun of the ridiculous things people (my friends) post and lived through on social media, while writing how great and superior my year was. Though, had you asked in November my thoughts on the past year - I wished 2021 to be erased from my personal history as it was a grueling nightmare. I fought through most days with an over saturation of meditating, personal growth books, manifesting, phone alarms, "Today is going to be an amazing day", gratitude affirming bull sh**.

Me every single day.

It wasn't necessarily a bad 'situation'. It was actually coveted. But amidst the anger, resentment, and at times daily crying, I tried to be grateful. I'd lay in bed thinking about getting a tattoo, maybe taking up vaping, or possibly starting alcohol...one of my friends admitted to going to the Shell gas station, buying a cigar and smoking it on the curb, "just to feel something." I don't know what it was. Maybe it was us. But it was not a life I was suited for.

When my friend bought a cigar at the gas station.

But I have had six glorious weeks of rest: My persistent cough immediately ceased after stepping off the plane, my stressed induced parsomia is gone, I finally sleep uninterrupted, I no longer get sick every morning, I can eat and drink at my leisure, and be outside. Oh the gloriousness of being able to take a daily walk in my neighborhood is euphoric. 

But in true fashion let's look at the good, dramatic and funny parts of 2021.

So I made a vision board last January- as you should at the beginning of the year. And in the past, I'm  really good at following through in my intentions. This year I was absolutely dedicated to a life overhaul and unfortunately guys I did NOT get the house in Corona Del Mar, the new Volkswagen, the gold forest canopy four poster bed I've been looking at for years, nor did I fly a jet, BUT you know what? I got some friends. That was on my vision board, and lemme just say... I'm in a group chat. I may never see those people, but I get to hear from them at least once a day. 

I also got real in person friends for a time. And not friends of convienence, but real genuine people. So when I went back to review my board, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I did in fact get one thing - friends. 

So January - March eh... I think bulleted is better for now:

- I've been trying bubble tea all across America this past year and let me just say. I had some of the WORST bubble tea ever in Ocala FL. "It was so bad I want to give you a zero, but that's not possible, so I give you a one." 

- I went to the Kennedy Space Center. TBH I was a little disappointed - it wasn't as cool as I was expecting. We also went to Universal Studios one evening. Having friends to go ride rides with is sublime.

Evening at Universal Studios

-I brought my cousin Claire with me to CA and stayed at the most beautiful resort hotel in Newport Beach. Claire is still in college and I do admit, I did leave her unsupervised when I went to Naples Ristorante E-Bar for lunch and she got very sunburned lol. Also I met Claire's boyfriend who, probably should quit his job and get a modeling contract. I don\"t say this lightly as I am quite critical, but it's time - modeling only from now on. 

Now March was an absolute all time low. Like I don't even know. It was like my brain ceased functioning, and it wasn't even like the circumstances were all that dire. It's very possible it was self inflicted as I have no chill, but I can't even put into words or articulate how bad it was. I did make it to April somehow in one piece. And that is where things get interesting.

Everyday.

Now, I had many well intending church youth leaders growing up. On more than one occasion, for girl\"s youth night activity, we would cut up bridal magazines and plan our weddings. Then I sat through, "Decade of Decisions" Sunday Church services all through my time in college.  These Sunday topics continued into my mid twenties were I suddenly became the oldest single female in the congregation. It was not an ideal place for me to be.

I became an object of community speculation - don't worry guys - the rumors always come around. I also surmised my singularity was the subject matter over private family dinners, after male cousins telling me, "We feel sorry you aren't married Chloe," on several occasions.

Can I just say one thing? Everyone is on their own timeline. And in Spring I found someone ;)

Online dating is awful. It is a cesspool of horribleness. If I have one more guy message me WYD. I will throw my phone. But anyways I got on a religious dating app (as a joke) and had a successful match. Pretty sure we began throwing the "M" word around before our first date. And it wasn\"t like stranger messaging stranger. We knew the family, and he basically came papered. 

I had spent the past three months doing sixty-five days of meditating and reading personal growth books. And while finding a husband wasn't necessarily one of my end goals. I was like, "Hallelujah, someone to rescue me." I was fully convinced the universe sent me this man and I began making pilgrammages to Charleston as often as I could.

Now I really hadn't learned a previous lesson in which where Chloe went on prior pilgrimages to Myrtle Beach, Dallas, Salt Lake, and London for other young men. (London guy was lovely, but the others hurt my heart...) And I've had to make a new rule and look myself in mirror and say, "WE DO NOT TRAVEL FOR MEN." 

Anyways- I had never had a real Boyfriend before so it was all very novel to me. Many phone calls ended with me crying and I overlooked A LOT of questionable (red) flags while visiting, but I thought it was great.

We dated for three months. 

I even mustered the courage to hesitantly mumble "I love you" after our three month annerversiry - he had told his family I was reluctant to do so. He said it early on in our relationship, which I always thought was little soon..but maybe he just knew.

I returned to traveling and things began to get a little quiet on his end. I wasn't too concerned as his family was in town and he was taking care of appointments. But in one Facebook post I knew. And I wish I had read more novels on being the villain, than personal growth, because I was still polite after he called with a prepared list of insults, (and I despise past Chloe for being polite.) 

I could list some of the things he prepared, but really it boils down to his ideal match is a instagram model gamer girl broodmare. 

I now realize the Universe sent him as a lesson, "Chloe, we do not lower our standards for anyone."

Wow we took up way too much time with that. Let's get into the Best yet Worst Summer ever (Where we only focus on the good fun things that happened.)

I met up with Andrea and Emily July 1st. I was sitting in the back seat thinking "Who are these women (I already knew Emily) but like all of us together. It could go badly. Or great. And it was just the normal, "tread carefully",  "don't be too obnoxious", thinking- "OMG who does this girl think she is", kind of beginning. 

Accurate picture of Emily, Andrea and me.

We began making our way east, and Andrea and I went to Subway. Maybe it's just me and my insecurities, but I cautiously ordered first. I really wanted cookies but I didn't want Andrea to think I was "that kind of girl". I know, so stupid, we are all adults. But when Andrea ordered cookies and then let me add a few cookies of my own to her order. A careful friendship was born. 

A few days later we were sitting in an ice cream shop when I finally opened up and told them what had transpired. "He broke up with me, but I only felt sad for like 5 minutes at the Econo Lodge in Sioux Center, " thus forming a beautiful funny friendship.

We ended Upstate, and took a wonderful hike up Watkins Glen. (One of the things I am grateful for was seeing so much of the US - places I otherwise would have never known existed.)

Actual Picture of Emily, Andrea and me in Watkins Glen

Emily laughed at everything I said, which made me laugh, and I don't remember if Andrea was laughing but Emily left for her vacation home and I kind of panicked. "What am I going to say to Andrea? She is basically an influencer and WAY cooler than me." But what really sealed the Best Friend of 2021 was the discovery that we both - from our separate hotel rooms - were eating chocolate in the nude while watching Twilight. 

From there it was 'Chloe and Andrea's Summer 2021 Loop of Fun'. Lots of Insomnia Cookies, Ivy League College Tours, Chick-Fil-A, Pizza, Donuts, "How many boats of garlic knots do you want?" and Bubble Tea- anytime we could spare. (And while writing this I pointed out to Andrea how our friendship really centers around food - to which she reminded me that food was the only way to get our Serotonin and Dopamine levels up during the summer.)

Getting that dopamine hit.

In August, after stumbling into the operations base after a long day, I asked Andrea, "Do you want to go for a ride at night? I think Jim will do it for free." Andrea and I lived for drama, and we found out Jim had been married to the base manager for a really long time, but had since divorced. We worked with Jim during our stay, and he and his staff were so nice and accommodating. Jim gave us ride one day and said it would be real great if we could mention all the nice things he was doing for us to the base manager. "Oh we can totally find a way to slip that in."

Andrea and I eventually made it to the coast. Things were temporarily better. There is always a novelty being in a new place. We had constant giggles, especially taking a road called S-N-E everyday (We called it THE SNEEE.) It went South, North and East. We also got the full Percy Jackson experience trying to find Chick-Fil-A in the Mohegan Sun Casino, but only an hour transpired.

In September Andrea got a new boyfriend and I got into Shiba Inu ;) TBH I was slightly disgruntled and jealous (Sorry Andrea)- not at Andrea getting a boyfriend, but it was just less fun, and we didn't laugh as much (except for the trip to Yale, when we trolled the group chat formally known as Star Crossed Lovers - Which by the way, is a story I always like to lead with meeting new people.)

Yale Tour 2021

Overall, the days just dragged on and on and on. I did meet a new friend named Eamonn though. We actually went on a few dates. He confused me so much. Not his person confusing me, but he was young and had all these amazing things. It wouldn't be fair to say I've been dating down the last few years, but Eamonn seemed way out of my league. Sailboat, airplane, designer cars, house, more cars, drones, not to mention he was polite, and courteous. Wait - "when did you graduate from college? How old are you? How much of this was from Dodgecoin?"

Date with Eamonn

One of our dates, while crusing down the coast with the top down, someone from the street [while at a stoplight] asked, "What kind of car is that?"

Eamonn screamed, "It's a Corolla!" and sped off.

It was not a Corolla. 

Also props to Eamonn for swimming in the ocean with me. This is not a slight to Andrea, because in her defense, the waves were really big the day we went to the beach, and the other time when she wasn’t keen to swim in her clothes like I was. But so many of my friends and beach dates, have sat on the shore while I’ve rolled around in the waves and it was real nice of Eamonn to swim with me.

I took a break early October and thank the stars a coveted interview aligned perfectly with my schedule. I went to Ann Taylor and told them I needed help finding the most perfect outfit. I thought I had to wear a jacket and pencil skirt - two articles of clothing I horrendously despise -but one of the staff brought me the most amazing dress. Let me tell you, this dress was made for ME. I bought the standard jacket and pencil skirt, but I couldn't leave without the dress, so I bought it too. While doing the standard family fashion show, it was agreed no matter the interview, I HAD to wear the dress. And I did in fact, get the job.

The dress and they flew me to the interview...how cool is that?

After my interview I flew to Orlando and met Lainey, who so nicely prepared my favorite snacks and ironed my clothes for me at midnight for Harry Potter World the next day. I really think I was a princess in a previous life because I love those kinds of small touches. I wanted to look my absolute Wizarding best and wore wedge heels to the park. And yes I got terrible blisters, but I also got amazing photos and bought a wand. It was quite the jolly holiday as my cousin Jackson was there too and he's really fun. #thefez

The wedges that gave me blisters, also look how wrinkle free my dress is  :)

I expected the remainder of the year would be a coast to a halt, but November felt like I was continusouly getting trampled or drowned. It was akin to fighting the battle of Helm's Deep, and when Andrea finally returned it was like she was the White Wizard arriving to save the day. There wasn't even time for a proper loop of fun, but we did manage to crawl out one morning absolutely downtrodden to Starbucks. And stepping into the hall that morning we just started laughing because we looked so distressed and disheveled. 

Andrea and I on the way to Starbucks.

I eventually returned home and slept properly for nearly the first time in a year. The more weeks that pass from my return, the softer I recall the memories of this past year, and no longer wish it obliviated from my memory. 

I had resolved to do thirty-one things for my Golden Birthday but only managed a few things off my list. I was actually quite sad on my birthday, but it was the fitting end to 2021 and thankgoodess I've stepped onto the threshold of 2022.

Me floating into 2022 :)

Year in Review 2020: Tomorrow is Twelfth Night

Remember how negative everyone was back in 2016? It was obscene and hilarious everyone posting how it was the worst year ever online. I spent New Years Eve once again reading unoriginal unimaginative posts about the "dumpster fire" year 2020 was. 

Well let me tell you, I personally think 536 A.D. was probably the worst year to be alive in human history. 

Apparently the elites of our world catalogued the worst years ever and ranked 1348 as the number one worst year. Retrospectively looking back and the amount of research I've done, while it was definitely traumatic, it was absolutely necessary. It gave rise to the Peasants Revolt and led to an eventual end of serfdom in Western Europe. So where are we gonna be in fifty to on hundred years? 

Probably much better off. 

December 24th, 2019 I saw a peregrine falcon and took it as a spiritual sign that 2020 was gonna be great. I mean remember 2019 when I got something from the universe everyday? I was certain I was gonna ride that high, but things did turn out a bit differently. Not bad. Just different. So instead of focusing on all the "Gifts of the Universe", I'm just going to do a snap shot of each month and write whatever I feel like writing.

JANUARY

As a reminder to any new people who may be reading. I really just don't like Christmas all that much. We spend 364 days looking forward to like 3 hours on Christmas Morning, and then it's just a huge let down. I'm not knocking it as a religious holiday either, but come on guys, you've been duped. It's a pagan holiday we slapped a Jesus sticker onto. I mean low key, Christmas used to be illegal in the early American Colonies because of our puritanical upstanding moral character... "City on a Hill" anyone?  Then I guess we wanted to play "Keeping up with Victoria and Albert" and now we have Christmas trees and a Medieval Saint advertising Cocoa Cola. 

I much prefer the "spirit" of the Tudor version of Christmas. So Happy Tudor Christmas everyone. 

As my new tradition dictates I like to go all out for January 6th, Twelfth Night. I wait until everyone goes back to work and school and then do my biggest celebrating. I wear my best clothes and do a big loop of fun to my favorite places and see my favorite people. 

Boba, Scooters, Beach, Pizza, Cookies, Disneyland- All my favorite things. January 6, 2020 was no different. There was a little stress looming over the holiday/January because I was going into Flight Training in February, but I still had fun.

Twelfth Night 01/06/2020

FEBUARY

I didn't want to go into flight training without a proper loop of fun beforehand. So I started in Dallas the first week of February for a date. I'd been playing the ultimate long game with a guy and figured we'd both kick off our flight careers with dinner and a kiss. Then I bid him goodnight, for boba with my cousin in Plano (priorities). I really wanted to stay in Dallas for more boba and dates but reluctantly decided to continue west. I landed in LAX and opted to try out Los Angeles's 'fine' public transportation system. I took the bus to the train (I really do love trains) and hopped off Irvine Station for Cafe Rio and fun.   

I had been holding out for the new Ride of the Resistance ride at Disneyland and crowds had finally thinned out a bit. Bethany and I picked a horribly rainy day, showed up for rope drop and got boarding group ten. It was pretty amazing. The cast members did a great job getting into character for the experience. Bethany and I spent a good portion of time at the Redwood Creek trail - hence the rain - and it makes for good non-descript Disney pictures.  Disney pics get a bit braggy so I try to keep them low key. 

Redwood Creek Trail

Flight Training

I really didn't want to go and carried around a horrible feeling in my stomach for days. I even went to church with the intention of seeking out an older instructor to try and beg him to train me privately to no avail. I took my final exam the day before departing and also worked a long Tiny Bubbles shift. I sat in the Whole Foods Parking lot after my shift trying to figure out how I could get out of going.

The next morning I boarded a plane headed for Pompano Beach and showed up to my accommodations with a police blockade. Turns out a woman was run over right outside my window. All I could think of was, "Welcome to Florida." 

The next morning I faced the man I would be living with the next month, and I just think it's soooooooooo funny living with men (cause that's like all I do now...) I remember at BYU we were threatened at the start of every semester with expulsion for having men in the bedrooms or apartments after hours. Sharing living accommodations was a ghastly abomination lol.  Not once has anything 'happened' if my flight adventures. It's like no one will go near me with a ten foot barge pole.

Anyways, Romo struck out his hand and introduced himself. As we walked to the airport I discovered he was from California and we both flew to all the same airports. I also asked him what he carried in his funny little tea pot - it was Yerba Mate. I excitedly pulled out a container as well and said 'I have Yerba Mate too". I definitely knew that our meeting was a gift from the universe.

MARCH

I was sitting at the kitchen table one evening and a car plowed through the font yard, missed the corner I was sitting in, and hit a tree in the neighbor's yard. Romo and I ran outside followed by our other neighbor Matt from England. Romo went right up to the throng of people now gathered, while Matt and I hung back. I explained to Matt we ought to go inside in case someone gets shot - "Because...welcome to Florida...and the USA." That evening started a tradition of Matt making me tea and biscuits in the evening, regaling me with his adventures in Europe.

Besides the great friends I made in flight instructor training, I did not enjoy myself. I was so stressed out I couldn't land and being chained to a desk from sunup to sundown made me feel absolutely awful. But on Wednesday's we'd leave early and go down to the beach for dinner. And even though it was just for a short time, having a group of friends to spend time with was delightful.

APRIL

In November 2019 I want on a date (can't remember his name, he ghosted me.) Anyways we had a sword fight in the park, and he told me about lots of things antiquity and about "The History of Rome Podcast". I finally decided to start listening as I walked Poppy for miles and miles in April. I learned so many great things - my mind was absolutely blown. I shall share with you one of my favorites. The story of Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus.

Cincinnatus was elected consul during the early days of Rome - solid guy, real upstanding. During his retirement, Rome was threatened by some neighboring tribes. The head of the Roman army and the current consul just weren't up for the fight, and a delegation was sent to fetch the aged Cincinnatus. The delegation arrived to find him, fallen on hard times, plowing his field. The delegation begged him to return as Dictator - an emergency position granted only in the most extreme circumstances, for six months with absolute authority. Cincinnatus hesitated and even questioned "why me?" but left with the delegation and went to work. 

Fifteen days later he returned to his farm after leading the Roman army victory. Low key. He could have ridden out 6 months doing as he pleased, but not Cincinnatus. 

He was such a great guy, they brought him back a second time as dictator. And if that isn't vibes then IDK what is...

Now there is another famous character that is believed to be the reincarnate of Cincinnatus...Any modern guys into farming and AGAINST absolute power???

George Washington.

That's why he's depicted as Roman in some statutes. He was literally a modern day Cincinnatus. Washington did what he needed to do and went back to his farm just like his "past life."

And if you are wondering at the moment, yes Cincinnati is named after the famous consul.

MAY

Eh, May wasn't really all that great. I studied 2 weeks straight, and binged watched The Last Airbender with my cousins. I also made it to Atlanta to Nashville in less than 3 hours because no one was on the road.

Took over the table to study.

JUNE

June was pretty great. Went to Salt Lake for a wedding, even though I'm not really into weddings. I've mentioned this many times before. We only have our wedding traditions like we do because of royalty (thanks Victoria and Albert). Everyone wants to act like a royal so we go ALL OUT. But no matter how much money is spent or lavish the extravaganza is, we aren't Mia Thermopolis, the lost Princess of Genovia. Julie Andrews is not going to come rescue us from our awkward existence. All that's left is a huge bill and a 50/50 chance of divorce and no peace between England and France. 

My outfit for the wedding was pretty amazing though. I tried to channel Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, cause a wedding is one place you can dress up like a wizard.

JULY

So by July I've made it through the Punic Wars, War with Hannibal, and not even to Julius Caesar yet. But I did watch some Mary Beard's Walking with the Romans and watched the Fall of Constantinople. Just jumping around really. But I learned a whole lot, and blocked pretty much my entire instagram... 

When the aunts and uncles wanted to gather with somberness and talk about the calignous outlook of humanity I just couldn't stand it. One thing I learned from the History of Rome is this is NOT new. This is not unique to our time. There is no reason to be foaming at the mouth, cursing our friends online, and screaming wild accusations in the street...This literally has happened before, over and over again. 

Humanity will pull through guys. And if it doesn't, I heard that gorrilla's have officially entered the Stone Age. So it's gonna be fine.

AUGUST

I went on many walks, swam, jumped on the trampoline, and bought a scooter. I think I just remembered riding a scooter on Twelfth night in January and wanted to relieve how fun it was. I would ride my scooter around the neighborhood like I was twelve and stop at my aunts for Capri Sun's. Really just chilling by myself mostly. 

SEPTEMBER - OCTOBER

I partook in the biggest loop of fun. 

Giselle and I decided to go to Universal Studios because I've never been and I thought with the smaller crowds it would be easier to navigate. We stayed at a fancy hotel and ordered Uber eats. Now I'll be honest. Universal was amazing. My outfit was not. But it was a great way to kick off an epic Loop.

I finished up work a few weeks later and picked up my aunt and cousin in Nashville. We tried the most 'In restaurants, and went to the most 'In stores. We ended our fun there and drove to Atlanta. I'll be honest our days in Atlanta were a blur but my aunt made some amazing dishes and the best Banana Pudding Ever. I don't even really like bananas or pudding. But it was soooooooooo good.

We then embarked on a family trip to Savannah where things kind of went bad, but extraneously to me. And that is how I ended up sleeping in the master bed in the presidential suite overlooking the Savannah river. We moved on to Hilton Head island where I tried to be my perky self but it was just ok cause everyone was a bit off. Probably that day was the lowest in the Loop of Fun. 

By the time we returned home I was feeling pretty tired, but had a confirmed ticket to follow my aunt back West. Conveniently Bethany's house was on the way back from the airport and we didn't have enough seats for the whole journey anyways so I stopped there, where we watched Prince of Persia and ate Cafe Rio. 

The next day I got a call from Drake, who I responded, "OMG I'm here." We dined al fresco and swam together in the ocean. I was feeling so good being surrounded by friends... apparently spending time with friends creates a cocktail of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin so I was riding a constant high after spending most of the summer alone. 

I was feeling marvelous and thought it would be such a great idea to return to Plano on my way home as well. So I did just that, and my cousin and I spent money as fast as we could and ate at the most 'In restaurants.

NOVEMBER

Now I will never profess to have any inclination or eloquence in the ways of politics, but one thing is absolutely indisputably FACT. You all were brain washed in fourth grade. Your sweet teacher poisoned your mind against monarchy (except for Christmas and Wedding traditions)... and George III wasn't even that bad. (Have you heard of the Seven Roman Kings? Tarquin the Proud? - his rule was so bad it kicked off the Roman Republic.) From our infancy Americans have rejected any thought of a monarch.

Now I never considered 'monarchist' as a viable political party until learning about Bonnie Prince Charlie (do your own research) and that was it. I decided monarchist was viable. I would never have to foam at the mouth, curse my friends online, and scream wild accusations in the street. Wether you go for the Crassus archetype, or the Gaius Marius - they both embody monarchy. 

Now, you may be wondering - how does one navigate such a lifestyle? Well look no further than the amazing Margaret Beaufort. She was a key figure during the War of the Roses (do your own research). She kept playing sides until she got her son Henry Tudor on the throne and he was basically some random dude. So bide your time, support whatever king is on the throne, and seize power when the time suits.

DECEMBER

I didn't get to celebrate Tudor Christmas properly this year. As I was running late to my departure gate to return home, I misread the board and thought it said "40B". But when they scanned me, I had seat "4B" so not too bad to salvage the remainder of the holiday with first class.

I guess there's not much left to say except thank you to Mary Beard, Mike Duncan, Tony Robinson and the random youtube historians who got me through 2020. They were the real MVP's.