Thoughts

Why are so many people selling Lularoe? I remember in the 4th grade all my friends moms did Pampered Chef. Then in HS everyone's mom sold Southern Living. I guess now that we are old we sell Lularoe. Gross.

[side thought* I saw someone selling Pampered Chef the other day. I thought "Are you serious"?]

What you write..."I feel personally attacked by Donald Trump becoming president?"
What I see [in my brain]... {Trump roundhouse kicking you in the face}-

She doesn't even go here!

Europeans after the election.

I will never wear leggings without covering my butt. It's because I'd look absolutely terrible. Sorry for the like 3 times I did though*

Oh look another one of my friends is engaged... feels depressed for 3 seconds. At least I got to fly an freaking plane today...still feels depressed.

I'm going to go Gluten free. -eats two cookies and a donut.

Australia after the election.

"No grandma, You can't read that book! It's not Grandma appropriate!" *Grandma stays up all night reading book, has lengthly discussion about adult themes in book over breakfast. I tell Grandma my 17 year old cousin read the book. Now my Cousin is in trouble. "I thought it was about Alaska and the Iditarod, and it's not."

This book is not about Alaska.

I think Amy Caldwell or Hailey Toro have my Crown Duel novel. Id like it back because I had to reorder it from Amazon and they sent me a battered library copy from Austin, Texas. Which makes me cringe from the germs.

If I loaned you this book... would have been before 2009, please return it ASAP.

Why do I have so many articles of black clothing? Why are there so many piles of black clothes. I can't find anything. I can't find my black shirt. I have a black shirt. Tengo la camisa negra- my jam from 2009.

My grandma and I like this special soap called Miracle II soap. It's a Christian Soap Company that blesses their soap. Today I washed my dog with it. "Patton you are now blessed... from the soap... and so fluffy, and you don't smell like a corn chip."

We can not let Grandma find the "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates" book. Aubi have you seen it- we cannot let anyone find it, especially mom----.

Grandma, I need you to sew something. "Well what is it...I'm sewing right now."
"Im wearing it, so not right now."

#lit

#slay

I'm gonna run for president and end daylight savings.

Australia-Wizard-Jedi-Ballet

It only took about 4 hours of endless questions about Australia to really nail down the friendship. I honestly didn't know what to talk about. After introducing P to American delicacies like Taco Bell and Waffle House we really began to hit it off. I offhandedly challenged her to a lightsaber duel...and lost. (Despite my casual Kung Fu training, growing up in the "outback" gave her the upper hand apparently.)

Now I know a lot about Australia and know the secrect. Austrailia is HUGE! Like the size of the US. I really can't contain my laughter when P tells me about travelers she's met excitedly telling her about their AUS Travel Plans, thinking they can drive from Perth to Sydney to Brisbane which is equivalent to driving from San Diego to Atlanta to D.C. (5 crying emojis) (all within a week).

It's about the same size as the US.

She heard I liked Harry Potter- and invited me to Philadelphia for a Harry Potter Festival. As the days drew nearer I dreaded it...because I had to wake up early. And though I've trained myself to wake up at 6:15 everyday (not because I have to...I just like laying there). I had to get up really early... 3:45am. P departed 6am, while I plane hopped around the South until I made it to PA that afternoon.

Traveling for the first time with a friend is always a gamble... it's like a test to see if you are on the same page. I'd say we are compatible traveling companions. It was pretty great we didn't have to stop for meals and could wander endlessly without having to take breaks. And that it was perfectly acceptable to go to sleep. (I had mentally prepped myself for a wild rucous pub crawl.)

Just a couple of Wizards

So Australia and Wizardry are great.

Jedi training is pretty good too. Well at the moment it's dreadful because I let self doubt creep back in and it's been too long since I've flown.

My last flight was actually pretty bad. It started out well enough, I did the walk around all by myself- I felt pretty cool checking the fuel, scrambling up the wings and everything else
. Once we were aloft there was a lot of turbulence and I was fighting bumps as we went along - cue start getting really sick. I got totally nauseous and we had to land early... - I felt sick the rest of the day from the extreme vestibular motion ...that is until I went to Kung fu.

Kung Fu was great, though I've been going through Kung Fu struggles. It's lovely and I like it, but my hectic life I'm all over the place with training. A week on, a week off. And I'm really behind in the forms.

Sometimes when we are fighting and there will be this moment of beautiful modern dance, it makes me want to run and take a contemporary class. But I'd have to drive upwards of an hour, and pay a horrendous amout of money on gas and an overpriced class in the city and then I get resentful and angry.

But kung fu suffices for the most part. There is another student working the same forms as me and I like working with him because he's really calm, and gets up at 4am everyday to practice. So he's obviously really prepared for class everyday and knows whats going on. I'd say I'm pretty good at following, so it suits me.

The red always makes me feel super aggressive lol

I'm flying three days this week and catching up on reading. If you know me well, you know that I have anti textbook sentiments and go out of my way to purposefully not read them. But I am trying to read and study. I do know how airplanes fly now-Bernoullis Principle -not magic haha. There is massive amounts of information, which concerns me, "how will I learn all of this and not crash?"

But I kind of feel like I'm out of options, especially after last years abysmal attempt in applying to grad school. (Which I'm totally ok I wasn't accepted- I thought it was stupid anyways.) There are lot's of women flying and if Kate Rubins can make it to NASA, I can probably make it to Delta or American. Not that me and Kate Rubin's have been or will ever be similar -she's a genius. But I like to think that because we both have blonde hair, I can be like her and do something awesome.

Kate Rubins and I both have amazing blonde hair-which I see as a sign that I can grow up and be like her. Yes.

Also, I took ballet twice. It was hard. The teacher, coincidentally is the stereotypical Russian Ballet Mistress, and takes her job really seriously. Honestly I'm just there to move around and exercise a bit because I don't like the gym. But all those old ladies in the class made me stand front and center because I was the youngest and I was subject to much criticism, and couldn't contain my giggles.

Flight

It was the kind of nervous like the mornings at PCS, where Kendra and I would agree that it "may be the day we get maimed, seriously injured, or killed." Irrational yes, but it could have happened.

This is what the kids at PCS probably think.

So it was the same kind of anxiety. Climbing into a plane with a stranger...a woman instructor...I mean, I am a "woman", but can you be slightly mysoginstic and a women at the same time? I'd feel much safer flying with a man. What if this lady is like some of the eccentric women I've had to work with?

As I sat in the lobby of the flight school, the Fixed Base Operator (FBO) chatted with the secretary about a crash.

"Just this morning, the instructor survived, he was able to roll out before it burst into the flames. He's pretty banged up but said it was intentional. The student drove the plane into the ground. They're saying it was an act of t**rorism."

"That wasn't here?" I asked incredulously. Honestly not a good topic of conversation with someone taking an initial flight to overhear.

"Oh I don't know, but I saw the headline." He replied, I quickly googled the date and plane crashes. Thankgoodness it wasn't this airport. I'd leave right then and there if it was. 

connecticut-plane-crash-possibly-intentional/ Here is a link to see the news report.

Victoria walked in, I sized her up immediately like I do to everyone. Ecto-Mesomorph, kyphotic, heavy heal strike on right foot-making her gate irregular, bomber-esque jacket. She shook my hand and started talking really fast about how the propeller was a little loose, but "we should be fine, we don't have time to fix it-I have another girl coming in after you, It's like the day of women pilots, we'll just have to come in really slow, it's just a little loose. We'll be fine." She kept reassuring me.

We headed over to the plane, she started showing me all the buttons and knobs (pronounced Ka-nobs, JK knobs lol). She was going really fast. It looked exactly like this.

I hoisted myself into the captains side of the plane fumbled with the seat belt, while Victoria ran through the checklist. And told me where the brakes, and pedals were. You use the pedals to steer (taxi), breaks (obviously to break). I still couldn't get the seat belt on. Victoria had to help click me in---Ok it was a complex seat belt.

"Oh, did I leave the wheel chocks in?" She asked me. 

"Um, yeah, I saw that you did, but didn't want to say anything-cause maybe a someone was going to get them." She told me to hold the breaks while she moved them, hopping out of the plane.

I held those breaks like my life depended on it. I held them so hard my quads started to burn. I felt like the equivalent of a 5 year old sitting in the drivers seat of a car- except I was 25 sitting at the helm of a plane-And this plane wasn't going anywhere, not while I was holding the breaks.

"Ok, you taxi us out. Make sure you don't hit that plane next to us. Oh and you are in charge of the flight today, so you taxi us out and once we're up its up to you." I wasn't expecting that, and it made me want to NOT fly...I thought this was just going to be a visual learning experience...not kinesthetic.

I pulled a knob flooding the engines with gasoline, and turned the plane on per her instructions.

My hands instinctively went up to the yoke (looks like a steering wheel). "Don't steer with that, steer with your feet." Oh right. I gave it a little throttle and we moved forward- me steering with my feet-swerving. My hands drifted back toward the yoke, and she brushed my hands away. "Don't steer with that, your feet." She repeated, "line up with that line." 

I lined us up. Victoria told me to put the throttle all the way in. We hadn't gone over how enthusiastically I should handle the controls so I slowly and gently, with much hesitation, pushed the throttle in as Victoria pulled the yoke back and we were aloft. 

Victoria, told me to keep ascending but keep the horizon in view and fly towards a factory with large smoke stacks, saying were going to stay north of the stacks, but I could fly where I pleased. Then she started laughing saying she once flew with an old man who flew all the way to Rome and he just looked awful...admitting he had held his breath the whole way (she pointed to a city in the distance.) 

"I'm ok." And I never get sweaty palms, but I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans.

She instructed me to level off by decreasing power on the throttle and pushing the yoke down a little. I was cruising. "Do you ever get nervous?" I asked. With our litigious society and the crash this morning, I had been wondering.) "I didn't sign anything, and you don't even know me." 

"It's all part of being an instructor." She replied. "And I knew you were safe. Try turning the plane." Once again I was not sure of how vigorously I should handle the controls, so as gently and meticulously as possible I turned the plane ever so slightly."

"Wow, that was a nice 10 degree turn." She said sarcastically. (10 degrees in a plane going 80 knots felt like a lot.)

Protractor to give you a sense of 10 degrees

Attitude Indicator- Turning Indicator

I tried a couple more 10 degree turns, right and left till I felt comfortable with them, all while Victoria chatting about speeds and airspace. She upped the ante and told me to make a 30 degree turn but I forgot to watch the attitude indicator as I was turning.

"Whoa, that was a 45 degree turn, you don't do that till the final exam." I was surprised by the mistake and meticulously returned to flying straight.

I looked out the window and reveled in the moment that I was flying a plane, and I had no idea how I got up here, but I thought I was doing a pretty good job, probably the best student she's ever 

seen...JK.

I had no idea how I got up here.

She wanted to show me how slow we could fly and stay aloft, and instructed me to flip on the flaps. I by accident flipped two flaps at the same time but she fixed it and corrected my mistake.

We decreased to 20 knots and it was much more difficult to fly. She asked if I liked flying faster. "Yes, it's easier and smoother."

Ascending and increasing our speed we flew around some more, and Victoria pointed to a lake in the distance indicating to fly around the lake to line us up to land.

Reminding me that the propeller was loose, we came in very slowly, and Victoria landed the plane. She had me taxi right into the hanger, so the plane could be repaired. I hopped out, regained my land legs, and thanked her.

I had to spend the rest of my day at tumbling club and the dance studio, walking around with the secret I had successfully flown a plane and it had gone really well. 

Kung Fu- Camaraderie

While working at PCS I did my best to go out on lunch dates with cousins and friends from school. But if I wasn't at PCS, I was wandering alone in the canyons or re-watching Netflix till I couldn't stand it anymore. I would fill the remainder of my time with more PCS until I didn't recognize myself-I'd turn into Chloe the Tyrant :) No joke...I'd run to California every few weeks, but each trip made me feel more lonesome than ever.

I gave myself exactly 1 year at PCS, and the day came.

In all honesty I could have been a PCS Lifer-worked there forever. Although there were some pretty awful days, the work was simple and the camaraderie between staff was one of a kind. I was banking massive amounts of overtime and was comfortable marching around the cottage ordering people about ;) I could work as little or as much as I wanted, and go about as I pleased. I was completely over all my anxiety, and in the language of PCS "idgaf" was my new mantra.

As the year mark approached I got antsy. Nothing tasted good, nothing on Netflix drew my attention, even the local shops put me off... The year didn't turn out as I expected so I packed up and jetted off East.

A month later I was driving around in the heavy air of the South, frustrated I couldn't find Kung Fu. A teenager was trailing after my car in the parking lot I was looping around in, which confused me to no other because it was so hot outside. (Neal, who is a fellow student's, mom saw me driving around lost, and sent Neal to stop me from driving away.)

The air was only a few degrees cooler inside the building which is more like a 3 car garage. So it was really sweltering. I just picked up like I never left...except my year of absolutely doing nothing movement wise set me back. The movement was in my muscle memory but it was limiting and inefficient, just holding my arms up was a workout. We finished the last half hour outside as the heat was burning off and the sun was setting.

I was going through the form motions, but mind wandering when my life felt like it was in the upswing, when my movement was back on track. Kung Fu wise I struggled-but when I did Kung Fu like modern in the studuio I moved really well. I have the video showing rather efficient movement. But I decided I needed to leave ASAP last April.

I attempted to further movement training while I was out West. I dragged my self to modern the first week I was there. And it was too hard, too abstract and I remember this awful leaping combination. 

I really should just develop my own technique of modern-Kung Fu hybrid. Oooooo that would be so cool. I think about enrolling in a Laban Movement Analysis (LMA) Course all the time so I can do just that. I actually wish I could just do LMA, Kung Fu, Modern, Pilates and BioCored Full Time. 

I will soon. 

I discovered in the past year something I love. Genuine Camaraderie- or at least I've coined the term. PCS had it and that's what it's like at Kung Fu- And the reason I continue going back.

Would it be more beneficial to take dance classes since that's ultimately what I really want to move well in? But I would have to drive all the way to the city by myself and there's no camaraderie in that.

Proof I was there.

Kung Fu this week was really good. They are back trying to talk me into competing.

"Woah, slow down it's my third day back." I was thinking haha.

I do have some idea of what forms I would like explore only because my mom reminded me... She remembered Aurora performing a fan form that was beautiful and balletic. You are supposed to learn a weapons form, which I'm not sure if a fan counts, despite Mulan's besting of Shan Yu at the end.

Let's be honest. The movement here is totally contemporary ballet kung fu fusion.

Now lets get our Mirror Neurons and move like this.

5 Months

December:

 I decided to skip Christmas this year and work at PCS. It was kind of like Christmas Study abroad. I started off with 4 consecutive days of 15 hour shifts...one of them I was left alone on the cottage (what other staff is willing to work Christmas Eve?)(Also, can we say major liability.) (Had like 6 emergency calls.)

 K said it was her worst Christmas Ever. We still managed to smile through it all.

I finished the 4 days and still found it in me to work some regular shifts, and three more doubles that week. Morale hit an all time low between staff. My last day of the ordeal, a patient tried to choke me twice--don't worry guys I used my Kung Fu. We were then trying to restrain her and she gave me a double black eye, kicking me in the face. I flew to Cali, took seven days off and told PCS not to call.

In Cali after the ordeal... I slept so much that week.

January:

I decided to test my limits on how many consecultive days I could work before taking a day off. I said yes to every shift they asked for...early mornings, late nights, and double shifts. I made it 3 weeks. I felt silly because there are people who work harder and last longer... but I knew I had to rest. I was finishing up my 3rd double in a row, at the end of three weeks, when a staff thought it would be funny to throw a snow ball at me. I went ballistic. That night I stood at the back of the hallway absolutely reeling and in agony from dealing with PCS BS... There wasn't enough female staff for anyone to trade me out. Looking back January Sucked.

This is what its like everyday at PCS.

 February:

 I used to work with the middle school girls all the time. Some of them are BIG girls...occasionally my anxiety will flare up and I'll be in a panic... What if I get beat today? What if there's a riot? What if a few gang up on staff and hurt us enough and we are sent to the hospital? KD and I were having the same feelings, but survived the day so we took a silly photo.

We're alive and didn't get assaulted today :)

On Valentines Day I woke up feeling awful. I was not sure what medically was going on, but was legit half asleep, till I was sent outside to facilitate gym time. The cold must have stimmed my brain. I worked up to the last minute and hopped a jet to Long Beach that night, followed by Disneyland.

PCS Break

                                                March: 

I started grad school interviews the first week and had a horrible experience in Omaha, which sent me jogging to the school/interview. BioCored Training, and a week in ATL. It was like a step back into my old life. PCS was fine. Though coming back is extremely difficult and 5 days can feel like 5 weeks... No Easter for me this year---We joked about the "Year Without Holidays." But let me shout out to all my amazing Atheist friends who worked Easter. You can always count on them stepping up to work during major Christian holidays.

April: 

PCS is not a place for the faint of heart, the weak, or the lazy. A staff who works extremely hard 70+ hours a week was running late one Sunday morning. I was panicking because in no way could I run the volatile middle school girls alone. She finally arrived, sat on the floor and started to cry. She was close to 80 hours and was facing a 14 hour day. I felt morally obligated to step up and  to take her place for the second shift. Having her work with such emotional distress was not right. Thank goodness for amazing friends like K who said, "If you're staying, I'm staying." Cue Troy Bolton.

 Also there was some Disney Time in April. I made a video of all my favorite California things, but new clothes and Disneyland were the highlights.

Princess Shot

Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis and Grad School

I would really like to take a reformer class right now. Everyday. Not for exercise but for Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis (NEAT). I'd really like to go train in Sanda, take that african dance class in the city, and walk my dog too.

The lack of NEAT in my life is slowly killing my soul.

I stole away for a few days to the happiest place on earth (which was a small NEAT relief and I have a season pass), returning just in time for my treatment center job.

I pride myself in having eternal patience, but on Friday used every ounce of my will power to not scream and stomp my feet. I was absolutely reeling because everyone suddenly was compliant when the supervisor walked in and started yelling, yet they called me a bitch when I was polite and reasonable.

I almost put in my resignation, but I didn't. The little NEAT I had a few days before let un-jaded Chloe reemerge. I was thrust back into the stress of working my job and had a hard time coping.

One of the proverbial lies patients love to tell is the reason they have to carry around loads of objects because it's their "coping skill," even though it's against the rules.  I started to think about what my coping skill would be...My phone. I usually wait until the patients are in bed before retrieving my phone, which sometimes can be 11 or 12 hours disconnected from the world. I decided to carry it around in my pocket. I felt so much better.

I do get 3 hours of NEAT a week teaching dance outside of school and the treatment center. The students are polar opposites of what I deal with normally. I find them agreeable, kind and lovely to work with.

Yesterday was very difficult to prep for teaching though. The lack of NEAT in my life has created a version of myself that I loathe. I have lost all movement efficiency, and motivation. To combat this I feel like running to the nearest Pilates studio begging them to hire me, so I can have free access to their equipment.

On top of all this lack of NEAT, I am in school and want to drop out every day because they make  us sit and learn things like Glomerular Filtration. Emphasis on the sitting part.

 I am applying to Grad school but don't particularly want to spend the next three years getting an advance degree because of the precious time that will be lost. My only hope is that the time will be recovered because I'll have a good salary with normal hours, and then I'll will finally be able to pursue things I really want to do. (like taking pilates, trying african dance, and walking my dog)

On a side note, I feel like applying to Grad school is a scam. I am not one of those students campaigning for free tuition or an easy path, but it's absolutely ridiculous.

I was happy to pay the 150$ application free, but then mildly upset when I was asked to pay additional 60$ for a supplemental application. It took me over 15+ hours of work to come up with that money. I looked up the salary of admission officers and it's around 38K a year. I would hope they put 210 dollars of their work hours into my application because that seems to be the most reasonable and fair thing to do.

Each school has their own prerequisites. What is frustrating that some schools require dim subjects like Basic Sociology. My job is 100% current social problems and I really don't want to spend a thousand dollars for 3 credits that says I read a two hundred dollar textbook. Persistent Bad Attitude...I am sorry.

Then some schools seem a perfect match but then require a random elective courses in subjects like public speaking, or painting, or Anthropology. Seriously? Let me come show you how articulate I can be, whilst I paint still life, and talk about ancient Mesopotamia.

Every school requires a different random course and judging which ones are worth the extra thousands of dollars in "required courses (costs)" is exhausting and disheartening.

But at least we have days at the Happiest Place on Earth to make it all a little better.

Month in Review

Yesterday we hooked someone up to electrodes and took an Electrocardiogram (ECG). I have a test tomorrow so I am going to type what is happening.

Basically-YOU can ignore this part.

P wave is the depolarization of the Atria, or Atrial Systole (contraction)

QRS complex firing of AV nodes to depolarize the ventricles or Ventricular Systole (contraction)

R Ventricular Contraction Peak

S repolarization of the Atria - With S-T segment plateau in Myocardium Action Potential which I believe has to do with a latent period in the Pacemaker Potential which we need so our heart doesn't stay in tetany (contraction)

There is other stuff but that's the gist of it.

START HERE

Then we had to take blood pressure readings. I know for nurses it is day one in nursing school but for someone who has never done it before it was a little stressful. Especially since they didn't show us how to perform it. I'm also not a nursing student and we had to read step by step instructions. I really have a hard time comprehending and concentrating lately.

And then, there are the nerves in the brain which make me question all my beliefs about life.

#BioCored #SomehowImissedsomething #magicandactionpotentials

I really hate physiology. I went to the lab to find help. We had been studying the effects of toxins on the heart rate and strength of contractions. I was filling out a report and was stuck identifying what the drugs were specifically inhibiting. 

"Uhm, the heart..."

The TA told me to think smaller...

"The cells?"

The TA told me to think like a doctor.  "Think in the sarcolemma, what would this unknown toxin be inhibiting?"

The ryanodine channels? They aren't opening, so calcium is not being released. So... there is no action potential?" 

In case you haven't figured it out yet. Life is Action Potentials.

Oh and my job. Let me just reiterate...