Year in Review 2024
My family likes to tease me because my default viewing pleasure is medieval history documentaries. I've sat through Great History courses and thirty hour audiobooks because I literally cannot get enough. My mind is blown away how wild and crazy it was back then, and here we are now in our zoning code, asphalt, franchise, copy-paste existence.
I have been carrying a secret that when I was seventeen, I watched the 1999 classic, "The Messenger" about Joan of Arc in ten minute increments online, when Youtube used to be good. Growing up religious, I knew that movie was really NOT appropriate and not inline with the "values" I was supposed to adhere. I purposely didn't look up the rating so I could play dumb at judgement day.
I was further tempted to watch (also in 10 minute increments on YouTube) the 1998 "Elizabeth" movie about Elizabeth the 1st. I liked that movie so much it was one of my first online purchases. I felt so guilty about it being rated R I purposely snapped the disk the day it arrived in the mail because I felt so bad being "tempted" and for "breaking the rules."
I was obsessed with following arbitrary religious rules perfectly. I felt a moral superiority to those around me, while at the same time a persistent tortuous misery.
The lifestyle was conflicting and unaligned with reality. But I clung to the tribulation thinking, if I just doubled down and recommitted even more, it would get better. But I just felt worse and worse, and I would seethe with contempt seeing those around me live vibrant lives.
I do believe that God puts people in our path, and 2016 met my Australian friend Phylicia. She brought the warmth of foreign friendship, and prompted me out of the psychological prison I found myself in.
The confidence and careful freedom introduced to me through Phylicia, sent me on a quest of self imposed exposure therapy to experience real life in careful and controlled occurrences.
The hardest thing to overcome was my perceived villainization of romantic relationships. I watched my friends date and get married and could not figure it out myself. Every date was filled with dread and discontent.
By 2024, I found my self absolutely suffering from lack of human connection in my life. And with my dog Poppy passing away, my life was void of warmth. The stress of the singular existence affected not only my waking hours, but I would wake up constantly in the night never sleeping a full cycle.
I did try mentioning it to my friends who were scattered across the US existing only through texts... They would scoff at how lucky I was and how they longed for their single days.
I would sit and count the years that had passed since I'd been kissed. And I would try to figure out how many months it had been since I had received a friendly hug. The lack of human touch made me perpetually nauseous.
I took a big trip to Europe in February and March. I hoped I might find someone in the travel group to befriend and maybe date. There were only two men. Despite his pink lipstick, the Chanel perfume, acrylic nails and boyfriend back home in New Zealand, Jerwin danced with me at a tavern in Inverness and I was relieved.
By Spring I had become so miserable. My body constantly felt like it was made of lead.
I was watching the Natalie Portman Anne Boylen movie. A film I had definitely snuck and guiltily watched in high school, now on Netflix. I smirked to myself during the movie how relieved I was to have finally moved on in my life, and could watch whatever I wanted guilt free.
That night during the movie, spirit guide, angel, God, or my own intuition... but a VERY clear voice from the ether came to my forethought and said "Stop! Anne Boleyn lost her head and you are going to lose yours too." I immediately stood up, turned the movie off, and resolved right there to let it go. I felt like i was losing my mind from the isolation and I had to stop giving the past power over my present.
The next middle of the night, I was called on a premium assignment. I was very happy about the double pay and I wouldn't have to languish at home alone. At least at work there was some warmth in conversation.
Once arrived to our destination and in my hotel, I agonized about going back home. Returning to my lonely basement to spend another week in solitude, waiting for my next assignment seemed unbearable.
I didn't go home.
I flew to meet with friends in person and after talking and debriefing over lunch, I decided to move on with my life and stop the madness of living with so much resentment.
The experience of that trip with friends carried me through a few weeks. I felt cool, calm, confident with a touch of elation.
The feelings eventually expired though, and I felt worse than I ever felt in my entire life. I was all smiles in person, but once behind closed doors I would cry.
I was not without trying though. I pushed through daily meditations, researching, and manifesting. I attended a large dating event to double down on my efforts.
It was overwhelming and exhausting...I tried to sneak out of the event, but several male attendees followed me to my car and a few of them knocked on my window demanding my number.
I was horrified. And decided no more dating events.
June 9th, I was on an overnight in Nashville and reached the pinnacle.
I toured my newlywed cousins beautiful 600k home that her husband had just bought her. She had many beautiful dogs, drove a cool car, and was prepping for a vacation in Thailand. I had met her husband again and he was so tall and nice, and smelled good. After the visit, I went back to my hotel and cried so hard I threw up.
Thankfully - That was the last time I cried this year because since June 10th my life has exponentially gotten so much better.
I was invited to vacation with a family whose son I had been on a few dates. I had known it was a good match, but still struggled with my past perception of the morality of being in a relationship. And I could not fathom nor figure out how to make it work or exist in a long term relationship.
But it felt right in my gut to say yes to the vacation. And we decided to date officially during the trip.
I like to joke now that my Maslow's Hierarchy Pyramid is complete I might actually transcend.
Despite the family's protest about crate training, I brought our new dog Violette downstairs and unless I am on an assignment I never sleep alone anymore.
I had spent over a decade envying my friends photos of holidays and vacations. And almost in a frenzied state wanted to fill my memories and feeds with similar pictures. I could finally go on vacation with a man like everyone else.
We went on a fancy vacation to see the Lord of the Rings musical, dressed up in a couples costume for Halloween, attended Universal's Halloween Horror Nights, and spent Christmas at each others houses.
Sam was definitely on board to spend Twelfth Night at Disneyland as tradition dictates.
Sam also watches all the medieval documentaries I want to watch.
The second half of 2024 was a huge relief.
